I Choose Forgiveness…

I’ve always been a huge believer in forgiveness, that forgiving someone heals you, helps you stand up a little stronger than before, helps you be someone better. It helps you move on from people that have wronged you, and not live with a bitter heart.

 

‘Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart.’

Forgiveness is a second chance, it’s a chance to not make the same mistakes. I’ve learnt through this past year that people make mistakes, painful mistakes which leave you broken all over the floor, too broken to pick yourself up, too broken to even think about forgiving them.

But I found that holding a grudge against someone made me angry, made my whole body ache, I could see it turning me into a cold heartless person that would flip out on people for no reason, I started to become nasty towards people that were only trying to help me. I thought forgiving someone for the unforgiveable made you weak, but infact its one of the strongest things you can do.

Forgiveness gave me healing, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, not because we are bad people, but because we are human. What good would holding a grudge do? What good would it do if I stayed a bitter angry person? So I learnt to forgive. When you forgive someone, in a weird way you kind of feel set free, I had this image in my head that if I didn’t forgive and I held a grudge, they would feel so bad that eventually they would come running back and say sorry. But that didn’t happen. But I learnt in time that’s not the right or healthy way to go about things, forgiveness grants you the opportunity to let go. To let go of whoever has hurt you, or whatever pain you’ve felt, to be set free from whatever demons keep dragging you back. It’s a beautiful thing to forgive because you’re giving yourself a chance to be free again, to live.

I’ve forgiven people that I guess didn’t deserve it, that never asked for it, never made the effort to make an awful situation a little brighter, but that’s okay, because I think now that everyone deserves forgiveness, because where would we be without it? Try and not stay angry forever, it won’t do you any good, and you’ll never give yourself a chance to be happy again.

Remember, pain is temporary… I know that now, it doesn’t last, no matter how painful it seems at the time it soon fades and with time you start seeing that your days can once again be bright, and that is such a beautiful thing. Forgiveness taught me that I am stronger than the hell I went through.

I chose forgiveness then and I choose it now. Why hold on to something that is hurting you longer than it should? Forgive and then walk away. Forgive them and set yourself free, you’re not doing it for them, you are doing it for you.

Forgive when your heart has been broken into a million pieces, you’ll soon start to piece them back together. Forgive when people don’t treat you the way they should, forgive when the one you fell in love with betrays you. Forgive them. It may take all the strength and energy you have left but believe me, it’s worth it. You may think forgiving someone means they have won, but it isn’t a game. So forgive them and move on.

Once you do you’ll start to heal, you’ll start to grow back your wings that were once damaged on the floor, you’ll start to smile and you’ll start to believe in happiness again.

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Anyway until next time…

Lots of Love,

R x

 

Now I’m a Warrior.

Hello everyone,

I hope everyone has had a great week and a lovely weekend so far.

So…I’m really nervous about doing this blog post but I just felt like I needed to write everything down. I think this is probably the most personal blog post I’ve ever written. So here goes…

Today hasn’t been the best day, I’ve found myself crying at points throughout the day and couldn’t really seem to switch it off. Some days I get like this, and that’s because I’ve been through an awful lot in my 23 years of being on this earth, that sometimes it just gets a bit to much for me.

Today was one of those days.

Today I realised that humans break easily. I don’t know why I’ve just realised it today. I thought I was the only one that kept breaking and trying to fix myself. Turns out I’m not.

I’ve been broken before, I’m not talking about a broken bone or anything like that, I was broken as a person and my heart was completely shattered all over the floor, that even now I’m still trying to piece back together. I lost myself as a person, I didn’t know who I was anymore, I would wake up every morning and cry, wander around aimlessly not really knowing what I was doing, I didn’t eat. I think the most I had in a day was a packet of crisps and an apple, so obviously that didn’t go down well as I lost about 2 stone in the space of 2 months. But I had no appetite, I was that broken that even eating seemed pointless.

I’ve been hurt before, whether that being a fall out with a friend or an argument with somebody, and it gets you a little upset. You have a cry and then you move on. You get over it. This time though I got the feeling this wasn’t something I just had to ‘get over.’ I had to learn from it and understand it and eventually the process of moving on will come. I couldn’t just click my fingers and suddenly everything was ok again (believe me, if I could do that I would) but you can’t. I had to take time and that was the thing that sucked most about it all. Time.

It felt like forever. Each day seemed harder and harder, and the days just kept dragging. I just wanted to get out of Manchester and go home, but then when I went home I just wanted to be in Manchester. I wasn’t happy wherever I was going. Weeks passed and nothing had changed, I was still this broken mess that wasn’t getting any better. I had no idea what to do, I didn’t want to do anything but wanted to do something. If that makes any sense. Friends would try to cheer me up or take me places but I just wanted to be on my own and cry. I remember actually looking forward to the evening so I could just cry on my own in my room because I needed to let it out, it actually hurt keeping it in all day.

My mind was just constantly playing tricks on me, I was constantly trying to fight it but through those months it just kept winning. I kept thinking ‘how will I ever be okay again?’ I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, I couldn’t even see a tunnel, I was just in darkness. I was constantly on edge and scared of everything. There was no hope, I couldn’t find any, it got to a point where I just thought ‘Right, this is it. I’m done.’

I remember it was mid November, and it was freezing outside and raining. (Obviously, it is manchester) and I had just woken up from my 4 hours of sleep, which was what I was getting each night. I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t, my brain wouldn’t let me. I wasn’t looking forward to the day as usual, each day I was just waiting around to see what kind of torture today would bring. I remember heading off into my lecture in the afternoon, but had to leave early because even sitting down in a room full of people with everything going on just flipped me over the edge. I think I was in that lecture for about 10 minutes before I left. Even 10 minutes was too hard for me. I remember heading down to Bristol after that lecture to stay with a friend, for the first time in about 3 months I was actually looking forward to going somewhere. It was only a small excitement, tiny in fact. But it was something. That weekend was the first weekend in 3 months I laughed. I don’t mean giggled or a really crap fake laugh. I mean crying from laughter. Which was amazing because every other time I cried I was crying because I was sad.

That weekend I’ll always remember, the weather was awful and I got soaked through on each day, but I laughed. I laughed properly. I even ate a full meal and actually managed to stomach it. We didn’t do a ridiculous amount on that weekend but that weekend was a turning point, and it was only when I was walking around Bristol on the evening with all the lights and my friend by my side that I actually thought ‘I’m gonna be okay.’

From then on, I’ve just kept getting better and better. Some days, like today are not so great, but I have to deal with it and grow with it. I know tomorrow will be better. I started eating again, I started going out and actually having a good time, I started getting a good nights sleep, I started to enjoy peoples company and not constantly wish to be alone. I started to be kind to myself and love myself. I started to live again.

Looking back on what happened to me is hard, but it’s a story that I am so proud of. I’m never going to be ashamed of what I went through and neither should you. Whatever that is.

I’ve learnt that we all broken. We are all trying to fill in the cracks. We are all trying to face life the best way we can. Instead of constantly being broken on the floor, I decided I’m going to take my broken pieces and make them beautiful.

And that’s what I will continue to do.

Anyway until next time…

Lots of Love,

R x

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Believe in yourself.

Hey guys!

So a few of my recent blog posts have been about issues that I’m really passionate about, I really enjoyed writing them and the response I’ve had from them has been amazing. So I thought I would do another post on a topic that I think a lot of people struggle with.

‘Believing in yourself’

‘When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt’ – Honore De Balzac

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been the greatest lover of music. Whether that was listening, writing or playing. I fell in love with writing songs from an early age, and I knew that was all I wanted to do. I did have a little break where I thought about becoming a doctor, but I think that was because I had watched too much Grey’s Anatomy. (It’s so addictive)  I’m also not great with needles so that definitely wasn’t a path I should’ve taken!

During my love of writing songs, I started having piano lessons and I was finally able to write songs with music! My first song was actually about my older sister and it was called ‘Sister  Sister’ – Yes, very skilled. I know. But learning piano really made my songs into something great , and I loved writing about how I felt. Songwriting I think, is one of the best ways to express yourself.

I’ve been told many times and I’m sure lots of other musicians have, to just give up as its not a real job. When I’ve been out with friends and people ask me what you do for a living and I tell them I’m a musician, they look at you like –  ‘Are you being serious?’ This automatically placed a seed of doubt in my mind. I felt that there was no point in being a musician because to a lot of people a musician doesn’t really do much. There was a time when I actually felt quite ashamed, and had really wished that I was doing something where people would respect and admire what I was doing. I looked at a lot of my friends and they were at some of the top University’s studying subjects that would no doubt get them a great job at the end of it. Some friends bagged jobs straight away in a profession where they could live comfortably – and then there was me, the piano player that liked to write songs.

During school I think I lost a lot of confidence because no one was necessarily bothered about a new piano piece I could play, they were more bothered with the people who were having a sweet 16 birthday bash at the local village hall or how many friends you had on Bebo. Don’t get me wrong there was nothing bad about being excited for these things, that’s great, but doing music through school I definitley lost sight of where I wanted to go. I guess I was quite scared in a way, when fear grabs you, it suddenly feels like all your goals are out of reach. I was constantly questioning my ability and knowledge in everything I did.

Growing up and starting college and then University I started to believe in myself more. I realised that there is no point in fighting self-doubt. I needed to train it, and by that I mean I no longer tell myself ‘I will never be a good enough Songwriter or Pianist’ – instead I say ‘What can I do to become better?’

Learn to recognise when self doubt is kicking in. When your mind is telling you that ‘You can’t’ or ‘What if I fail?’ – remember that you can always try again. And do just that. Doing this will transform a negative situation into an opportunity for growth. Give yourself a chance to shine, let the world see just how amazing you are!

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Try and avoid toxic people and toxic situations. You need to surround yourself with people who are supportive and passionate, people who inspire and bring out the best in you. Through college and University I’ve met some of the greatest people who will constantly push me, and help me become the best musician I can be. I’m around some of the most talented people I’ve ever seen and every time I see someone play, whether thats a Songwriter, guitarist, bassist or drummer – I come away feeling inspired and a feeling of just wanting to play.

There will be times when self doubt will kick in a lot harder than you can imagine. Coming to the end of last year I had no interest in writing songs. I had a lot going on and I just lost all motivation and confidence. I had no interest in sitting down at the piano and writing. I physically couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt like I wasn’t good enough – I had a lot of rejection through that time and that suddenly just took it’s toll on me. But being a musician and even in every day life you are always going to face rejection. Yes it sucks, and it’s not a nice feeling, but I’ve learnt to accept and grow with it. I’ve grown as a person and a musician and I’ve been working on a set of music that I’m so proud of and so excited to share with everyone.

Don’t let anyone tell you to give up, or that you’re not good enough. Allow your dream to motivate you. You are all amazing and can do anything you want with your life. Have belief in yourself that you can be the person you’ve always wanted to be. Have belief in yourself that you can do whatever you’ve been wanting to do. Don’t give up. Try again.  I believe in you.

 

Until next time…

Lots of love,

R x

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