Mental Health with Made In Chelsea…

Recently we had the pleasure of interviewing Made In Chelsea girls Lauren Hutton and Natalie Joel. They talked about how important getting help really is and what it did for them, why they chose The Blue Tree Clinic, experience with eating disorders and the pressures of body image with social media. I hope you enjoy these little clips, and hopefully one of these topics speaks to you.

Here the girls talk about why they chose The Blue Tree Clinic and what sort of help we offer.

The girls talk about how therapy helped them in their personal lives and what they’ve learnt from it.

The last 2 videos are my personal favourites, the topics they touch on are so important and need to be talked about more. It’s so sad to see how much social media plays a part in the downward spiral of so many people, Lauren and Natalie talk about how its affected them and how they’ve learned to deal with it.

 

 

I’m sure everyone at some point has compared themselves to someone they’ve seen on social media, whether that’s someone they know or a celebrity. It’s so important to realise that you are so beautiful and worthy just the way you are. You don’t need to change anything about yourself for other people to love you. Self-confidence isn’t something you are going to stumble upon one day , it’s created. It’s built by strong men and women who fight voices in their head everyday which tell them they aren’t good enough. It’s created by people who empower one another and not by people who bring each other down. Be kind always. You never know what someone is going through.

One last thing, don’t be afraid to talk about your problems. Don’t ever feel that your problems don’t matter because they do. Doesn’t matter if you speak to a friend, parent or a psychiatrist, talking to someone will get you on the right path to recovery. I know talking to someone is a scary and daunting thought, but believe me it’s worth it, you won’t seem so alone.

Don’t let your demons win. You are and have always been stronger than them x

 

My Favourite Books…

I’ve always been a huge fan of reading, I find that it’s a great way to relax and for everything just to be still for a little while. In this post I wanted to show you guys some of my favourite books that I’ve read recently – these range from novels to poetry to autobiographies. I hope you take whatever inspiration you can and maybe go ahead and purchase one of them yourselves! You won’t be disappointed.

In no particular order 😉

  1. Reasons to Stay Alive – Matt Haig

I got reccomended this book by a friend, I had never heard of it before or heard of the author, now it has to be one of my favourite books ever. This book is a healer. The writer talks about his personal experience with depression from the very lows to coming out the other side and how even now he still faces struggles. I couldn’t put it down because I was so emotionally attached to his story, it made me want to cry, smile, laugh and scream. I think one of the most amazing things about this book is that he recognises depression and anxiety as an illness and not just some inconvenience. He see’s it from both sides, someone suffering and watching a loved one struggle. He’s not afraid to show how dark depression can actually be and I think that’s why it’s one of my favourite books, he’s brutally honest about his experience but also talks about just how amazing life can be when you finally start to heal.

2. Milk and Honey – Rupi Kaur

I am a huge fan of poetry, and this book is the reason why. I started following Rupi Kaur on Instagram as I came across a few poems she had written. When I started to fall more in love with what she was posting I had to buy her book. It’s beautiful. It may be a book full of poems but it tells a story of survival, loss, abuse and love. Each part of this book deals with a different pain, it definitely comforts a broken heart. I think every girl at some point will be able to relate to what she’s saying, and I think that’s why I fell in love with it, because at some point in my life I have felt some kind of pain which somehow she has made into beautiful poetry.

3. Angels Walking series – Karen Kingsbury

This isn’t just one book, it’s 3. Karen Kingsbury is my favourite authors. I’ve been a huge fan of her since I was a teenager when I first read one of her books when I was on holiday. From them on I have fallen in love with her work, I own a lot of her books so it was hard to narrow it down, but these 3 are the most recent. The first book is Angels Walking and I got it for Christmas 2015, and I think I read it in about a week. The thing with Karen Kingsbury is she has a way of connecting with her audience that you can’t physically put the book down. I’m a huge fan of the lovey dovey novels where there is always a happy ending and the two people in the story always end up together. I love crying when reading, you know it’s a good book when it makes you cry. Angels Walking is a beautifully crafted story of love and loss, you root for the main characters and find yourself in the story. Just like the next two books of the series ‘Chasing Sunsets’ and ‘Brush of Wings’ you experience more heartache, she focuses on new characters and intertwines all the stories together. She’s an incredible writer that has you hooked from the beginning. If you’re wanting a book that you can’t put down then I recommend Karen Kingsbury.

4. Broken Flowers – R.M Drake

R.M Drake is another author that I first started following on Instagram, just like Rupi Kaur he has a good way of putting what you’re feeling into words that are beyond beautiful. Not only is he an American author but he is also a self-acclaimed street artist. His work is seen across all the major cities in the US. In this book instead of focusing on longing and loving he writes more about friendship, memories and honesty. The way you can relate to his work is what makes it stand out, there is a poem in there for everyone. It brings comfort to you when you need it most in the smallest of passages. His work is simple but beautiful.

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5. Spaceship – R.M Drake

Another R.M Drake book, this is one of his older books and I love the way he describes it as ‘A collection of words for the misunderstood.’ I think that in itself makes you want to buy it. This book is less ‘wordy’, but there is art and design attached to the quotes. It’s very short and sweet and wouldn’t take you long at all to read it, but I would find myself re-reading certain quotes over and over again. Again, R.M Drake never fails to disappoint.

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5. Her – Pierre Alex Jeanty

Jeanty is a American author and poet, ‘Her’ is my most recent purchase after yet again falling in love with his quotes through Instagram. (Great place to find some amazing poets!) One of the most beautiful things about this book is that he writes about the beauty and strength of women, it is a beautiful expression of heartfelt emotion which he portrays perfectly. Every girl should pick up this book, you’ll come away from it feeling empowered and inspired, and I can’t stop reading it over and over again. It’s one of my favourite purchases and I’m so happy that I stumbled across his writing. – ‘If there is a lover in you, you will not get enough of Her.’

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6. Unfiltered – Lily Collins

Lastly is the only autobiography that I own, now I’m not a huge fan of autobiographies, they don’t interest me in the slightest, but this one isn’t like any other. It’s a personal story of Lily Collins where she talks about her struggles with anorexia, troubled relationships, her father, her love for baking, her struggles with body image and so much more. She reveals the most personal parts of herself and lays it completley bare for everyone to read. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful and I didn’t realise just how much I can actually relate to her. I’ve been a fan of Lily Collins for a while, I’ve always enjoyed whatever movie she has been in, but this book makes my love for her even greater. She isn’t afraid to talk about her lowest points in her relationships, how she struggled to love people with addictions, how she struggled with anorexia and bulimia from a young age and how now she has such a great love for food. She writes a heartbreaking letter to a dad, and makes you realise that loving yourself is the best thing you can do. I can’t recommend this book enough.

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I hope you’ve enjoyed this post and maybe you might even purchase one of these.

Lots of love,

R x

Be your own Valentine…

So Valentines Day is fast approaching and to lot of people that means celebrating it with the person you love. But to a lot of people it means spending it alone. With a bottle (or 2) of wine and the biggest box of chocolates you can find.

Don’t get me wrong it’s lovely when you have someone special and you spend the day with them, enjoying each others company, but why all the emphasis on this certain day each year? Shouldn’t we love and be loved all year round? To a lot of people spending Valentines Day by yourself can be quite a depressing thought, but before you resort to going on tinder and swiping right to the first human you see, why don’t you be your own Valentine.

SO, if this year you’re spending Valentines Day alone then I hope this makes you feel a little comfort 🙂

You don’t NEED someone else in your life to make you happy on Valentines Day or any other day of the year infact. You can do that perfectly by yourself. So before you start searching for someone to fall in love with you, start by falling in love with yourself.

Start embracing the way you look and love every part of yourself, appreciate your talents, be your own best friend and for once stop caring how other people see you. Its the way you see yourself that really matters. You’re so amazing and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Enjoy your own company, I know for a lot of people that can be hard – but take yourself out on dates. Don’t wish and wait for someone else to do it. Take yourself to that movie you’ve been wanting to see for ages, go to an art gallery or museum and take lots of photos, go to that cute little cafe on the corner and order whatever the hell you want. You know that love you’ve been giving out to everyone else? Well for once maybe use some of that on yourself.

It’s hard to stay on track and not get distracted. We forget that we are capable of being there for ourselves, we are so much stronger than we think we are and sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for us to realise that. Though you may not feel like it right now, you as an individual are a whole person, you are so complete on your own.

The world out there is much bigger than just this one day of the year. Valentines Day does not define you as someone who isn’t capable of being loved. You are so much more than that. So, this year embrace being your own Valentine. Be happy being on your own and don’t wish it away. Be happy with just being you, you are pretty damn great just as you are x

(If you do find it hard this time of the year, then The Blue Tree Clinic is offering discounted counselling therapy, just quote Valentines using your contact form – The Blue Tree Clinic )

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My letter to you…

Dear you,

I’m sorry that right now, life isn’t going the way you planned, that every day seems a little worse than the last and nothing you could try to do can make it better. I’m sorry that you’re sad, that no one or nothing can numb the pain, not even for a second.

I want to say I know what it feels like because I’ve been there, that feeling of loneliness and unstoppable tears. I know what not being able to eat feels like and lying awake thinking ‘how the hell does this get any better?’ I know what it feels like to have no energy to do anything, no energy to smile or move, to just lie there, feeling nothing. I know what it feels like and in some way I hope that brings you some kind of comfort. But I know what I felt like isn’t the same as what you’re feeling or going through.

It’s impossible to control how you’re feeling, the way the darkness creeps in and just takes over your life bit by bit. I know you try to smile and try to put on this front, but you can only keep it up for so long before everything comes crashing down. Because this feeling wins. It always wins. Thats what you tell yourself anyway. Theres no hope.

I’m sorry that right now the dark is so familiar that strangely it feels like home. But please don’t get used to it, please don’t settle and believe you will never get out of this place. I know words sometimes don’t help and that nothing I can say will ever shift how you’re feeling right now but I hope you start to try, it will hurt like hell but please try.

I know you’ve been struggling for a while, and in some weird way I guess it never really does leave you. You do make it through to the light but you still have the past and the memories of what it was like. You still can remember the pain, but those demons don’t have that power anymore. You’re so much stronger than that.

I know that right now, it sucks. You have no direction, no hope, no nothing to wake up to and want to start the day. But I hope more than anything you just hang in there. Just hold on to the smallest piece of light, because it may not feel like it now but that small piece of light will soon become the sun and you’ll soon smile again.

You’ll start to laugh and hang out with friends. Breathing won’t seem like such a task and you’ll start to enjoy peoples company. You’ll look at different types of food and actually want to eat it, the smell of it doesn’t make you feel quite that sick anymore and you look forward to trying new things. You’ll wake up in the morning wanting to make yourself look nice, and when you look in the mirror you don’t flinch away. You smile. You see an unbelieveably strong person and you start to fall in love with yourself. You’ll start to appreciate the little things, like how blue the sky can actually be, or the sound of the waves when you walk along the beach. The laughter of couples that are sat in restaurants as you walk by and the way it can go from being so dry one minute to absolutely chucking it down with rain, and you’ll just stand there, taking it all in, because for the first time in a long time you can actually feel again. And it feels so good.

I know it may seem like a long way off, but I hope more than anything you just hang on to that image. Where you’ll smile again and it will be the most incredible moment.

One last thing, please talk to someone… please don’t hide away and keep it all to yourself. Yes you are incredibly strong but sometimes having people to talk to takes the weight off just a little bit. Don’t ever feel ashamed or embarrassed. You’re fighting something that sadly defeats a lot of people, but don’t let it defeat you. You are stronger than you know and having people to fight with you makes it seem a little easier.

Don’t ever feel like you’re alone. You’re not. Hang on to that. Hang on to hope.

You’ll soon breathe again, and I can’t wait for the day that you do. 

x

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Mental Health Matters…

Mental health is a very real and serious thing.

1 out of 4 people in the UK experience a mental illness, which just shows that a lot of these sufferers, suffer in silence. These people are friends, colleagues, partners, acquaintances, strangers on the street. These people have feelings, they feel sad, worthless, miserable, not good enough. They feel what it’s like to be at at the lowest point.

They feel afraid. Too afraid to admit that what they are dealing with is real. Mental health isn’t just one thing, it’s a combination of attacks on your mind and body. Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar, OCD are all illnesses. These aren’t annoying habits that just appear and go away, they are life changing. They challenge you to the point where giving up seems like the only way out. That it’s the only way to make it stop. You continue to fight every day, but you just keep getting weaker and weaker. It hurts. It really hurts, but you don’t need help from anyone because it isn’t an illness. That’s what society says anyway.

But the scariest thing about it all, is admitting that you need help. It’s admitting that you are suffering. Acceptance is hard, it doesn’t happen overnight. Most often it’s not that they don’t see the signs, it’s that they don’t want to believe they are actually sick. They don’t want people to know they are sick. It’s the stigma this society burdens us with.

We need to change our perspective on mental health, and with clinics such as The Blue Tree in London, we can do just that. The Blue Tree Clinic ( London Psychiatrist ) is a small boutique clinic in central London that have the best psychiatrists, psychologists and other professionals to help you through your most difficult time. With affordable prices and a love and passion for helping people that suffer with mental illnesses, this clinic is the light at the end of a very dark tunnel for a lot of people. They look at mental illness as an illness. Not an inconvenience, not a tiny little problem, not something that will define you. But an illness. An illness that needs to be addressed.

Don’t feel like you have to suffer alone, you’re not alone.

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Depression is a disease. Not a choice.

This post is probably one of the most honest things I’ve ever written. 

Aching. Tired. Alone. Scared. Exhausted. Miserable. Sad. 

You feel not good enough. You start to doubt yourself in every aspect of your life. You think you are not loved. You think you have no one. You start to constantly think about rock bottom, that this place you’re in now there is no coming back from. No one can hear you cry or scream, there wouldn’t be any point.

You believe that this is what life will be like now, its awful, horrific, the worst pain you’ve felt. But in some weird and twisted way you kind of get used to it, you get used to feeling not enough, you get used to feeling alone. You remember when you used to see the sun shine and how it made you smile, now it doesn’t make you feel anything anymore. But thats normal now. That’s how it will be from now on.

You try to think of when you were happier, when every day was filled with the sound of your own laughter, and how you loved going out with friends, but just as quickly as that memory comes it goes. This dark cloud won’t leave you, it enjoys your sadness, it feeds off your pain, there is no way you will ever win this demon.

Your friends call, they ask if you’re okay, but you don’t know how to respond. It feels like they are too far away to help you. They bring you things : food, water, company. Things that you needed so much in your old life, but now these things don’t matter anymore, they don’t really seem that necessary. That’s not your life anymore, all your wants and needs are blurred and nothing is clear. You just lie there. Awake. Unable to sleep.

Depression wants you to suffer. It wants you to feel that there is no hope, no light, no nothing. That life is just one big black hole. After a while the suffering starts to become familiar. You get used to crying every morning and every night. You get used to not sleeping or eating. You have no energy, you can’t smile, talk, laugh. You used to see bright colours, but now all you see is grey. No smiling, no laughing, no nothing.

People tell you to ‘just cheer up‘ – believe me, I would’ve loved more than anything to of been able to ‘just cheer up‘ or to ‘just be happy‘ again. So you start to avoid people – friends and family. You see strangers on the street – couples holding hands, families, young children, groups of friends. You don’t want to see them, you don’t want to see other people being happy when thats the one thing that you can’t be.

You feel guilty and ashamed to ask for help. No one would help you anyway, depression is just a silly word. So you put it off, you don’t ask for help and you keep living each day just as miserable as the last. But the thing is, depression isn’t ‘just a silly word‘. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it lies and tells you false truths. But my god depression is powerful. Its unpredictable and so so real.

The stigma behind depression keeps a lot of it’s issues and problems in the dark. It’s not easy to talk about, it’s very hard to grasp onto. I came across this really interesting article by Matt Haig – he goes on to say how suicide is now the leading cause of death in men under 50. With that statistic so plain and clear to see, how is depression not being talked about more, not being showed the attention it needs. Depression is a killer, it shouldn’t take a death for people to realise that.

There is life after depression, it may not seem like it at the time, but one day you will go on to live again. Hang on to that.

‘Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.’

x

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Life after Graduation. Where do we go from here?

Hey guys,

Sorry it’s been so long since I last posted! I got really inspired to write this post earlier this week, on monday I graduated from university! WAAHHEEEYYYY!

I can’t quite believe that 3 years has gone just like that, I’m so happy to have finally graduated but also really sad at the same time. That was my life for 3 years and now its over. Now I’ve graduated I have to officially be an adult (which is slightly daunting)

I’ve put together a few pictures from graduation  –

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For lots of people life after graduation is scary, you have to jump into the real world and figure out what you want to do. Some people have already figured out where they want to go, and I’m looking at myself thinking ‘I really have no clue.’

It’s not that I don’t know what to do exactly, it’s more of ‘how can I get there?’ I have goals and dreams of what I want to achieve out of life but trying to find the right path to lead me there is tricky. I started uni with my whole career planned out, by the end of it my career goals had completely changed, and thats okay to change what you want to do, just because you once wanted to do something else and now you want to try something different, thats pretty amazing. You’ve been figuring out what you want to do, and at least you know for sure that its something you really want!

Fear of the unknown is natural, for most of our lives we’ve been on a schedule with school, college, uni and all the rest of it. But now, we are out in the world with no teachers telling us what to do or how to get there. For the most part we have to figure it out by ourselves, and that’s a scary thought, it’s okay to be afraid. But don’t let that fear stop you from fulfilling what you want to get out of life. Don’t let it make you unmotivated and stop you from even trying, don’t let it stop you from taking risks.

‘The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

The things is, the sun will come up tomorrow just like it always has done, and just like it always will (unless you live in Manchester than most likely it will be rain) but you are given 2 choices at the beginning of each day…you either live your life or you don’t. You either try or you don’t. And my god I really hope you choose to try, I hope you breathe in every moment and take opportunities that scare you. I hope you laugh every day and choose to love people so deeply. I hope you stand up for what you believe in and choose to have a forgiving heart, because the truth of the matter is, whatever comes next whether it’s that dream job you’ve been hoping to land or you move in to your own place, this world will continue to go on. The sun will continue to rise and set, and life will continue to surprise you.

And what you make of it is entirely up to you. 

 

Lots of Love,

R x

I Choose Forgiveness…

I’ve always been a huge believer in forgiveness, that forgiving someone heals you, helps you stand up a little stronger than before, helps you be someone better. It helps you move on from people that have wronged you, and not live with a bitter heart.

 

‘Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart.’

Forgiveness is a second chance, it’s a chance to not make the same mistakes. I’ve learnt through this past year that people make mistakes, painful mistakes which leave you broken all over the floor, too broken to pick yourself up, too broken to even think about forgiving them.

But I found that holding a grudge against someone made me angry, made my whole body ache, I could see it turning me into a cold heartless person that would flip out on people for no reason, I started to become nasty towards people that were only trying to help me. I thought forgiving someone for the unforgiveable made you weak, but infact its one of the strongest things you can do.

Forgiveness gave me healing, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, not because we are bad people, but because we are human. What good would holding a grudge do? What good would it do if I stayed a bitter angry person? So I learnt to forgive. When you forgive someone, in a weird way you kind of feel set free, I had this image in my head that if I didn’t forgive and I held a grudge, they would feel so bad that eventually they would come running back and say sorry. But that didn’t happen. But I learnt in time that’s not the right or healthy way to go about things, forgiveness grants you the opportunity to let go. To let go of whoever has hurt you, or whatever pain you’ve felt, to be set free from whatever demons keep dragging you back. It’s a beautiful thing to forgive because you’re giving yourself a chance to be free again, to live.

I’ve forgiven people that I guess didn’t deserve it, that never asked for it, never made the effort to make an awful situation a little brighter, but that’s okay, because I think now that everyone deserves forgiveness, because where would we be without it? Try and not stay angry forever, it won’t do you any good, and you’ll never give yourself a chance to be happy again.

Remember, pain is temporary… I know that now, it doesn’t last, no matter how painful it seems at the time it soon fades and with time you start seeing that your days can once again be bright, and that is such a beautiful thing. Forgiveness taught me that I am stronger than the hell I went through.

I chose forgiveness then and I choose it now. Why hold on to something that is hurting you longer than it should? Forgive and then walk away. Forgive them and set yourself free, you’re not doing it for them, you are doing it for you.

Forgive when your heart has been broken into a million pieces, you’ll soon start to piece them back together. Forgive when people don’t treat you the way they should, forgive when the one you fell in love with betrays you. Forgive them. It may take all the strength and energy you have left but believe me, it’s worth it. You may think forgiving someone means they have won, but it isn’t a game. So forgive them and move on.

Once you do you’ll start to heal, you’ll start to grow back your wings that were once damaged on the floor, you’ll start to smile and you’ll start to believe in happiness again.

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Anyway until next time…

Lots of Love,

R x

 

My very first music review…Johanna Alba – Silent Confirmation

Hey Guys!

Hope you’re all doing well and having a great week! This post is a very different one but I’m really excited about it as I’m doing a blog on Johanna Alba’s beautiful EP ‘Silent Confirmation’

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I’ve never ‘reviewed’ anything before and I’m not entirely sure how to go about it, but I love listening to music and I love writing so I’m just going to type away.

Johanna Alba is a Singer/Songwriter that is currently based in Manchester. She has influences of Jazz and Pop and combines them to create beautiful, easy listening songs.

So, If you haven’t already purchased this EP I highly recommend that you do, I fell in love with the tracks as soon as I listened to them.

She starts of the EP with the song ‘Silent Confirmation’. It’s a very mellow and chilled song, and has a Norah Jones feel to it (which I absolutely love). The whole song just reminds me of relaxing on a Sunday afternoon reading a good book. It just has that kind of feel where it automatically makes you feel at ease. I love when music can do that, makes you feel calm and at peace with everything. The whole song is just guitar and vocals all the way through, but she does an incredible job of keeping your ears interested. The melody of both vocals and guitar blend so well together, and the first time I listened to it I got shivers. Personally this track is my favourite from the EP, and while all the other tracks are sensational, this one reminds me why I love being a musician, the lyrics and music fit perfectly together. It’s a beautiful masterpiece.

Next up is ‘Can’t Stand Your Love.’ This one is a lot more upbeat than ‘Silent Confirmation’ but still has that easy listening vibe to it. This song will make you want to get up and have a dance, I felt myself tapping away listening to this. I love the way she shifts between rhythms throughout the song, it definitely mixes it up! Everyone loves a song where there’s a subtle dig at someone who didn’t treat you right 😉 I think this song is perfect for that, it’s also more upbeat than your typical sad heartbreak songs (which isn’t a bad thing) but this brings something fresh and new to the table. I’m now humming the melody, it’s very catchy…

Following on from that is ‘Runaway’, this song starts off pretty similar to the first track, where it’s just guitar and vocals, but then builds up for the chorus. My favourite bit of the whole song is the chorus, I’m absolutely in love with the vocals,  Johanna has no problem hitting the high notes and does a beautiful job at hitting them with ease. Lyric wise this is my favourite, Lyrics I think for any song are definitely a HUGELY important factor, and she does amazing job of connecting the lyrics with the music. If you’re wanting some chill out music this song is a perfect fit.

Next is ‘All I wanna do’ – straight up this has such a groove ( I tried thinking of another word other than groove to use, but I think groove is the only word that fits this song) Yet again this song is so easy listening, she just keeps bringing amazing vibe after vibe but every song is so different. I think this song is perfect for putting it on in your car, with the roof down (or windows…the image of a convertible is always better though) with the sun blazing and the wind blowing through your hair, perfect drive music. Kinda like a movie scene. I’m sure everyone has pretended to be in a movie scene in the car at some point, next time use this track 😉

Lastly is ‘The Break’ this one is a lot more simpler than the other songs, this song doesn’t really need much because I think the lyrics carry this song. The harmonies and backing vocals just bring this song to life, and to be honest made me a little sad, But I love it when a song makes you feel that much emotion, she’s telling a beautiful story which is captivating from the start of the song to the very end. I think this was a beautiful song to end on, as it finishes off the EP perfectly and somewhat magical.

If you want to buy her EP you can purchase it on iTunes or listen to it on Spotify.

Website – www.facebook.com/johannaalbamusic

(You won’t regret buying it!)

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post, it was something very different! Like I’ve said I’m not a music reviewer and I don’t know if theres a certain way people do it but I just typed what I liked about the songs!

Until next time…

Lots of love,

R x

Suffering and Dealing with Anxiety…

Anxiety is a tough one to explain. It’s also something people aren’t very comfortable talking about. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a long time just like many other people. To a lot of people that don’t suffer with it, it’s very hard to understand, even as someone dealing with it I still don’t get it either.

My anxiety can affect me in numerous ways, and believe me it really isn’t an enjoyable experience. Like I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, last year wasn’t a great year, and from then on my anxiety just got progressively worse. Even the little things turned into such huge problems. My anxiety made everything seem worse than it really was. It made me overthink things constantly.

My anxiety can affect my relationships with people in my day to day life, I break a little when I think that someone doesn’t like me, and I know that’s not a healthy mind-set to have, I shouldn’t go out of my way to try and impress everyone because that’s not possible. I’ve changed who I am many times to try and fit in with everyone, because the thought of not being liked scares me to death. Before everything happened last year I really didn’t give a crap what anyone thought about me, or what I was posting on Facebook or Instagram or how many likes a profile picture got, I wasn’t bothered when someone didn’t text or ring back. I was so calm and not fazed by anything. Fast forward a year and a half and I’m the complete opposite. To a lot of people I know it sounds pretty stupid and I can totally see why but to me it seems like the biggest thing in the world. If I text someone and they don’t reply I automatically think ‘what have I done wrong?’ ‘Do they not like me anymore?’ I will start getting myself into a state where all I can think about is this text. Hours can pass and I’ll still be focused on why this person hasn’t responded, I’ll go over previous conversations to try and get any explanation from it, everything soon starts to revolve around this one message. I never used to be like that, and it’s awful to think that my mind has turned into something like this but unfortunately I have to deal with it, some days its a lot easier to handle and other days its harder, but anxiety isn’t something that can disappear when you click your fingers, it’s a day to day struggle.

One of the main struggles that today I still face, and is one of the hardest things, is the fear of being left alone. I know that probably sounds quite silly and even writing it seems a little stupid but my anxiety can build up to a point where I think everyone hates me.

During points in my life I’ve been left to deal with stuff alone, I’ve been left at my lowest times and it sucked. Big time. But somehow I managed to get through it, but with that came the fear of being left alone. I’ve never been the type of person to need someone else to make me whole, or need someone to be happy, I can do that perfectly by myself, but the thought of being in a situation with someone, or a friendship/relationship and being left, terrifies me. It will get to a point where I will try and do everything to make that person stay but results in me just pushing them further away. My anxiety will make me think so many things are wrong so I have to act on it, because it obviously must be true if my anxiety is telling me that it is…I have pushed so many people away because I’ve reacted to stuff that didn’t need a reaction, because my mind was telling me it did. I think I was so used to people leaving that I almost expected it when the next person came along, I thought I knew what was going to happen and I just started counting down the weeks or months until this one just got up and left. I thought this was a healthy way to handle it, because if I constantly prepared myself for them leaving, it wasn’t going to hurt that bad. I was anxious at every argument if this was going to be the one to make them leave, I was anxious at every time I would see them, would this be the last time? I still struggle with this, but I always take each day as it comes and try to be grateful for each day I spend with the people I love.

I love being around people, in big groups, gatherings, parties and the rest of it. But in this last year sometimes big crowds can make my anxiety hit the roof. I’ll have to get up and leave and try and find somewhere alone. Don’t get me wrong I love going out with friends and enjoying time with them, but at the same time I also love spending time alone, which I don’t think is a bad thing. Sometimes my anxiety will be a lot worse on some days and I won’t want to go to the party or see my friends, I cant really explain it but I just have to be alone. I don’t really want to talk or see anyone. I just want my own company really. Especially now I’m in a happier place I love being on my own. I’ll read, or write songs, or play the piano, or watch stupid videos on YouTube, or write blog posts! 😉 I think it’s healthy for people to spend time alone.

I’m also a very anxious traveller. I’ve never been that great at travelling anyway, but if I know I’m going on holiday or somewhere with a long distance travel, my anxiety goes crazy. I will start freaking myself out before we’ve even set off, and most of the time once the journeys started and settled I’m normally okay, it’s just the first thought. It’s worse when it comes to flying, I don’t trust planes, and I’ve watched enough air crash investigation to put me off for life. I think it’s the fact that I can’t get off, with a train, bus or car you can get off as there are stops or you can just pull over, with a plane you can’t really land it when you need some fresh air. The thought of being trapped in a small space with lots of people makes me sweat just thinking about it. I’ll try and do everything to calm myself down but normally my anxiety doesn’t let me. So travelling isn’t really a fun experience, but as I’ve said before I take it step by step. I’ll try and do things to distract my mind so it wont go into overload.

My anxiety is not just awful for me but for the people around me, and I don’t think I realise just how much it can effect them. Some days I just feel really anxious for no particular reason and just want to stay on my own, but to some people I think they find it hard to grasp that if nothing particular has gone wrong then why are you in a bad mood. I wish it was easy to explain, but I literally have no answer for that, some days are bad days and sometimes there isn’t a reason why. I have to try and be patient and understanding of the people around me, because it must be a nightmare trying to deal with me. But at the same time they also need to be patient and understanding because you are constantly struggling with it, you need to meet half way.

If I’m ever feeling anxious and need to leave the situation or whatever it is I’m in, I’ll normally go and read. Reading helps calm everything because I’m not focusing on me, I’m focusing on this story. It’s a great way to spend some time out. Another way to calm my anxiety is going for a run. Running is a good way to clear your head, I almost feel like when I’m running, I’m running all the anxiety out of me. I think it motivates me even more.

I struggle with anxiety every day, and I know people can be embarrassed or afraid to talk about it, which is understandable. It’s not something that is easy to talk about or easy to explain, but it’s something that is so real to so many people.

More people than we think face it, and just taking it day by day and doing things suited to you will make it easier. If you ever feel anxious don’t force yourself to do something, have some time out, because anxiety is basically…a proper bitch. Do what feels comfortable for you.

gentle

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post! I don’t think anxiety is talked about enough, so I just wanted to give my side of things!

 

Anyway until next time…

Lots of love,

R x