I’ve always been a huge believer in forgiveness, that forgiving someone heals you, helps you stand up a little stronger than before, helps you be someone better. It helps you move on from people that have wronged you, and not live with a bitter heart.
‘Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart.’
Forgiveness is a second chance, it’s a chance to not make the same mistakes. I’ve learnt through this past year that people make mistakes, painful mistakes which leave you broken all over the floor, too broken to pick yourself up, too broken to even think about forgiving them.
But I found that holding a grudge against someone made me angry, made my whole body ache, I could see it turning me into a cold heartless person that would flip out on people for no reason, I started to become nasty towards people that were only trying to help me. I thought forgiving someone for the unforgiveable made you weak, but infact its one of the strongest things you can do.
Forgiveness gave me healing, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, not because we are bad people, but because we are human. What good would holding a grudge do? What good would it do if I stayed a bitter angry person? So I learnt to forgive. When you forgive someone, in a weird way you kind of feel set free, I had this image in my head that if I didn’t forgive and I held a grudge, they would feel so bad that eventually they would come running back and say sorry. But that didn’t happen. But I learnt in time that’s not the right or healthy way to go about things, forgiveness grants you the opportunity to let go. To let go of whoever has hurt you, or whatever pain you’ve felt, to be set free from whatever demons keep dragging you back. It’s a beautiful thing to forgive because you’re giving yourself a chance to be free again, to live.
I’ve forgiven people that I guess didn’t deserve it, that never asked for it, never made the effort to make an awful situation a little brighter, but that’s okay, because I think now that everyone deserves forgiveness, because where would we be without it? Try and not stay angry forever, it won’t do you any good, and you’ll never give yourself a chance to be happy again.
Remember, pain is temporary… I know that now, it doesn’t last, no matter how painful it seems at the time it soon fades and with time you start seeing that your days can once again be bright, and that is such a beautiful thing. Forgiveness taught me that I am stronger than the hell I went through.
I chose forgiveness then and I choose it now. Why hold on to something that is hurting you longer than it should? Forgive and then walk away. Forgive them and set yourself free, you’re not doing it for them, you are doing it for you.
Forgive when your heart has been broken into a million pieces, you’ll soon start to piece them back together. Forgive when people don’t treat you the way they should, forgive when the one you fell in love with betrays you. Forgive them. It may take all the strength and energy you have left but believe me, it’s worth it. You may think forgiving someone means they have won, but it isn’t a game. So forgive them and move on.
Once you do you’ll start to heal, you’ll start to grow back your wings that were once damaged on the floor, you’ll start to smile and you’ll start to believe in happiness again.
It’s been forever since I last posted because I’ve been so busy, and I’ve come home for a long weekend to have a relaxing break!
I thought I would post this as I have officially finished university! 3 years has flown by super fast and I’ve met some of the best people. So I thought this post would be a look back at some of the best moments at uni. (Cheesy, I know)
SO, I remember moving to Manchester 3 years ago, I can’t remember the exact date, but I know I was very excited and extremely nervous. I had a room booked at the very classy MSV (C126 to be exact).
It’s weird looking back now and remembering moving in so clearly. I wasn’t living on my own though, I lived with my good friend Dom Major. I obviously didn’t know him at the time, but he seemed an alright chap when I first met him. Dom was one of the first people I ever met at BIMM, and we’ve been friends ever since, although there was a point where I debated our friendship because that boy played John Mayer on repeat. I then met and became good friends with Heather and Ciara, and these 2 pretty much made first year for me!
I remember starting lectures and thinking how it easy it was, it was so much fun just to write songs and play them for the class. Since the year I was in, is the very FIRST year to graduate BIMM Manchester…the lessons and work were a little all over the place, and I can’t even remember what work we had to do. I kind of remember freaking out over a 300 word essay thinking ‘OH MY GOD, SO MANY WORDS.’ I obviously didn’t know what third year would bring…
Once lectures had settled in, I then became friends with one of my favourite people, Owen. My first thought of him was that he was a complete weirdo and I still think that now. We got on so well, and we soon started writing songs together, watching disney movies and talking about how hot Idris Elba is. Here is one of my fave pictures of Owen (you can tell how weird he is from this picture)
So far, first year was going grand, and it wasn’t until christmas time of first year that I started talking to the other half of Muth, Megan. We have been inseparable ever since. Honestly, attached at the hip.
One of the worst stand outs in first year was the End of Term gig just before we broke up for summer. Meg and I had wrote the smash hit ‘Home’ and we were performing it in Factory, which is where the gig was held (awful). This performance had to be, hands down, the WORST PERFORMANCE EVER. It was bad, not a little bit pitchy bad, but both in completely different keys bad. BAD. People were actually covering their ears it was that bad. Here is a picture from that night, it still hurts to look at it, it brings back such out of tune memories…
One of the funniest pictures from first year has to be this one of Matt and I. I will never get over his haircut in the picture, I love it. Underneath all that hair though is a wonderful human who I’ve shared some very fond memories with – and some very awkward ones. (We will never go see a theatre performance again…)
So that was first year over! I was dead excited to start second year as I had booked a flat with Meg and Charlotte, and I was just excited to see what second year would bring.
I remember moving into to our new flat to start second year, we were on the 12th floor, and the view was AMAZING. I could literally stare out of our kitchen window for hours and not get bored, it was beautiful. Before lessons started a bunch of us decided to go to 5th Avenue for a night out. It actually was one of the funniest nights ever, it was such a good way to start second year. Although this was the night that glandular fever decided to make an appearance. I haven’t been back in 5th Avenue since…
Here is a photo of happier times, about an hour before the contraction of the disease.
Once I survived nearly dying, second year had started and I already loved it. Looking back, second year was my favourite year. Not necessarily because of the lessons or work (obviously), but just the people. We did so much stuff that year, and I met so many new people that I didn’t even think went to BIMM! One of the highlights is obviously meeting this wonderful human, Romario. Quite possibly the funniest person I have ever met. He always used to say hi to me in first year and I would runaway from him because I was creeped out by the fact he was so nice and confident. (We laugh about it now) We became such good friends in second year and he is still one of my best mates.
Here is an exclusive photo from a Romario Bryan photoshoot – (he asked me to take some photos of him)
Second year consisted going to a lot of open mics, which I loved. It was a great place to hang out and see the talent at BIMM. It was a shame that some of these got cancelled, but I’m glad I went along when I did.
Here’s a shot of Muth and Akcadamy enjoying Novus Open mic at the very start of second year!
Another highlight of second year was my 22nd birthday, it was such a good night and I had the best time with the best people. I ended up drinking a little too much… but it was absolutely brilliant. We ended up going to Deansgate locks and having a good old dance. I remember texting Meg about 10 times once we had all gone to bed saying ‘I’m definitely going into Toms 9am lecture, definitely.’ I never made it obviously… (I hadn’t died or anything, I was just super hungover and the thought of cultural perspectives actually made me throw up.)
One of my favourite tutors from first year decided to leave us all… we had a goodbye celebration at black dog (obviously) and just had a really chilled night! I did drink more wine than I thought I did, I also thought I was incredible at pool…I wasn’t. Heres a few shots of us from that night!
The lessons were a little heavier than first year, but I still enjoyed them! Although Research Methods was a killer, I never enjoyed that. I remember performing at the End of Term gig before the summer break, and this time it went well! I was over the moon with how well it went, and I was so looking forward to my last year!
We always knew how to finish each year in style and it wouldn’t be complete without a group photo!
So, third year had arrived. The first term of third year wasn’t a great term – so fast forward a few months till after christmas and this is where I started smiling again. I had just come back from a trip to Paris, where I had filled myself up on pastry and cheese so I was ready for the new term!
Meg and I were living in our own little cosy flat, which then later got infested with a family of Mice, which wasn’t pleasant. Once the mice had kindly left (died), we were able to go in the flat and not be scared to sleep with the light off. 😉
Third year pretty much consisted of WORK, WORK AND WORK. So many essays, I spent so much time in the library. I don’t think anyone was that social in third year, because no one had time. I did celebrate some birthdays though and I did give myself a break or two.
I also started rehearsing again for my own band! I had been writing loads of new songs and was so excited to bring them to the band! I’m so proud of where it’s going, it’s taking it’s time but I’m loving the journey I’m on. These guys are just incredible! (Also my drummer looks like Jim Chapman) Here’s me and the band –
A HUGE highlight from third year had to be when I met Ludovico Einaudi, I got to interview him for my dissertation and it was the most amazing experience. One I will never forget. What a talented man! I also went to see him live the night before which was unbelievable, I had been wanting to see him for ages but he was never in the UK. I would 100% go and see him again, what a magical night.
Once I had completed and handed in all my work, the girls and I decided to celebrate with having lunch in the sun! (I ended up getting sunburnt on my head) but it was so worth it.
So, that has been my 3 years of Uni in one blog post. Obviously there have been so many amazing memories I could’ve talked about but I would’ve been here forever! My uni experience has been one I will never forget, I’ve had the most amazing time at BIMM, and some of the worst times but I made it out and finished with a HUGE smile of my face. I’ve met some of the best people, and some of the most talented. I can’t believe 3 years have gone by, but what an incredible journey, and I can’t wait to see what we all do next…
I hope you’ve all had a great weekend and are ready for the week ahead!
Since my post ‘Finding happiness in you’ went down so well (Thanks to all the people who messaged, emailed and text me to say how much they loved it) I thought I would write another one. I’ve had this idea for a long time but I didn’t know how to write it, I’m still not completely sure but I think it’s such an important topic to talk about.
Recovering from something whether that being an eating disorder or depression is something a lot of people are too afraid to talk about. I completely understand why people are, because when you talk about something so personal you are automatically making yourself more vulnerable to everyone. Whether you’re male or female you should never be ashamed about your recovery or what you went/or are going through.
Recovery is a beautiful thing. It shows just show strong you really are, and that should be celebrated.
Mental health is real. Battling with your own mind is scary. It’s not something that can be turned off like that, It’s a real struggle that people face every day. One of the saddest things is that in a lot of people you can’t tell whether they are struggling, and knowing that breaks my heart. Underneath all the smiles and the laughs is a person who is constantly trying to find a reason to carry on the day. That’s something that shouldn’t be ignored. Just because you can’t see the pain it doesn’t mean that it’s not there. To all the people feeling like this or going through something similar, I just have to say one thing – You are not alone.
Whatever demons you’re struggling with you are not alone. When I was going through hard times I was constantly told I wasn’t alone, at the time I never believed it because I got myself into such a state that I thought I had no one. But as the months went on and I started to heal, I realised I had never been alone through anything, and that was such a wonderful feeling. I look back now and feel so blessed that I had such amazing friends and family that never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself.
Some days are worse than others, but thats okay, you’re allowed to have bad days. Don’t feel like you have to put a brave face on to the world every day. I think a lot of people don’t realise how strong they actually are.
My road to recovery is still on going, but it’s a beautiful thing to witness. I look back to 6 months ago and I’m not in that place anymore. How amazing is that?! I wake up every morning with a reason to smile, life is so beautiful and you can do whatever you want with it. Have faith in yourself that you can get through whatever you’re going through. It will hurt, and it will be hard, recovery isn’t the easiest thing to do. But you’ll soon look back and weeks will have gone by and you’ll realise you haven’t cried, or you haven’t been fighting with your own mind, or you haven’t self harmed – and that may seem like a small step, but that’s a step in the right direction.
Relapsing will sometimes happen during recovery. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You just have to get back up and keep trying, and believe me as the days go on everything will become just a little easier – You matter, don’t ever let anyone else tell you different.
Embrace your recovery, be proud at the fact that you’ve managed to get out of bed in the morning even when you really didn’t feel like it. Be proud at the fact that you managed to go the whole day without crying. Don’t be ashamed of your story. I’m not saying that recovery is easy but it is worth it. Watch how you grow and change as a person, along the way you’ll learn how to love yourself again. Every day is a constant battle but keep fighting. You are all wonderful warriors and deserve all the happiness in the world.
Like I said, I’m not really sure how well I wrote everything. I just kind of sat down and typed.
‘Be faithful in the small things, because it is in them that your strength lies.’ – Mother Teresa
So today I was just scrolling through Facebook and I came across a quote that really stuck out to me and it really inspired me to write a post about it;
‘Never put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket’– Unknown (If anyone does know who wrote this please let me know!)
This really got me thinking…For many of us we tend to find happiness in the wrong places. Whether thats our job, our relationships or even money. I’ve always believed that happiness is a choice, and you can easily decide when you want to be happy and when you don’t. Last year I went through a phase in my life where being happy seemed like the hardest thing in the world. People would always tell me just be happy, don’t let other peoples actions ruin my mood or bad situations bring me down. Through this time I realised I really couldn’t switch back on the happiness like that. It’s really not that easy. Putting something to the back of your mind and pretending to be happy wasn’t an option. I couldn’t do it. But in fact I’ve learnt that its okay to feel crappy once in a while, it’s okay to cry about things that you’re upset over, it’s okay to want to sit in your room and shut everyone out. If it’s what you need to do, than you do it!
I’ve been guilty of depending on other people for happiness, and I’m sure lots of other people have, When that person leaves it feels like the end of the world and the only way to be happy again is for them to come back. A lot of people feel the need to put on a brave face and pretend everything’s okay when in reality it isn’t. Whether it’s losing a relationship or a friendship, you need to allow yourself time to grieve. Breaking up with someone or losing someone is a painful process, as cheesy as it sounds a broken heart is one of the worst pains. Healing takes time, but eventually the days get easier and you’ll start to love yourself again… I found another quote which fits perfectly into what I’m saying here;
‘If you ever lose love, don’t go out looking for it. Reach inside you and recreate what you think you lost. You are love. You can’t lose you.’ – Unknown
You shouldn’t have to depend on a person or a relationship to make you happy. There is always a possibility you will lose that person, but you will ALWAYS have you. Yes, relationships are wonderful and they add so much more to our lives, but they are not here to provide a constant happiness that we can’t find in ourselves. You are a complete and whole person without a relationship.
This is just the same for jobs, don’t let your happiness depend on your next pay day, or your next promotion at work. Don’t let your happiness depend on how many Instagram or Twitter followers you have, or how many likes you get on a profile picture. While these will bring fleeting pleasure this isn’t happiness.
I’ve seen a lot of people (myself included) that get themselves caught up with the past and the future. We can’t change the past, that’s just something we can’t do. We also can’t tell the future, I can’t tell you what will happen to me next week, I can’t tell you what grade I’m going to graduate with or what the weather will be like. I can have a pretty good guess but I don’t know for definite. This is just something that we have to live with. Instead of wishing to change things in your past and trying to prevent things that may or may not happen in your future, find happiness in this moment. There are a lot of things I wish I could change in my past but I’ve realised everything thats happened to me has shaped me into the person I am now, and while ghosts from the past do creep up from time to time, I’ve learnt to embrace it and appreciate both the good and bad.
Don’t let your happiness come from the approval of others, you are beautiful and amazing. Don’t hold grudges! This is an important one, don’t hold a resentment to someone, because all this will do is eat you up inside. I’ve been there before and while holding a grudge against someone seems like the easiest option, it’s the one that makes us hurt the most. Forgive people. Forgiving someone who has hurt you will give you the closure you need to move on, learn how to make peace with people who have wronged you. You are not doing it for them, you are doing it for you. Don’t let your happiness depend on how much weight you lose because you need to get that summer body. If you’re comfortable in your own skin then who is to tell you, you are not beautiful!? Embrace your body, embrace your look. Be the best YOU, you can be!
Don’t ever think that you’re not good enough. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes, embrace, learn and grow with it. I’m going to leave you with one last quote to end this blog post!
‘Be yourself, everyone else is taken.’ – Oscar Wilde
M, and we’ve been friends ever since, although there was a point where I debated our friendship because that boy played John Mayer on repeat. I then met and became good friends with Heather and Ciara, and these 2 pretty much made first year for me!
Here’s a shot of Muth and Akcadamy enjoying Novus Open mic at the very start of second year!
Ruth Ibbotson 