Tag: love

Life is only just beginning.

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

So this is a really spur of the moment post but I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a little while but I didn’t really know how to write it, but I’m currently laying in bed with a cup of lavender tea (tastes WAY better than it sounds) and I’m finding myself just typing away on my laptop.

These past few weeks I’ve been scrolling social media and it’s round about this time now that everyone is graduating! It was only last year that I was doing the same. It’s weird to think that you were once a student that had no responsibility and suddenly you’re thrown into this big scary world trying not to drown. It’s hard. And extremely overwhelming. Even if you went straight into work you could still be there doing the same routine day in and day out wondering when something will just click.

After university last year I moved back home to sunny Yorkshire and got myself a job in my little town, I couldn’t really stay in Manchester as I had literally NO money whatsoever and in all honesty I needed a big break from the city and to come home and just breathe. I saw a lot of my friends stay in Manchester or move off to other cities and go travelling and I was just living back at home doing the same thing. As the months went on I became comfortable, I was up and out the door for 8 and then back at whatever time in the evening, I would watch some TV or read a book and then go to bed, and it was the same, Every. Single. Day. 

I’m 24 and I felt that my life wasn’t really heading in any direction. I felt stuck. I wanted to do all these things but somehow I couldn’t quite get there and I didn’t really know how to get there either. Especially since I’m at the age where my student days are long gone and real life is calling for me…

But after taking some time to really think about it, in all honesty it’s absolutely fine to feel like that. It’s okay to feel a little lost at 24. Or 30, or 40. It doesn’t matter what age you are you’re always going to feel a little lost at some point, and I think that it’s a pretty magical thing, that you can feel so lost and unsure of what the future holds but you eventually find your path, you get to rediscover yourself over and over again and become someone who is proud of who they are.

You might find that getting your dream job is a lot harder than you thought it was, or that your relationship has broken down and you have no idea which way to go next but the wonderful thing is you get to decide EXACTLY what it is you want to do. You decide which path you take next. Yes, you’ll feel lost and worthless and hurt, and it may seem like the world is against you and doing everything in it’s power to keep you from being happy, but it’s not. Every morning is a chance for you to wake up and make today the best day of your life, to go out and reach whatever goals you have set yourself. You don’t have to permanently feel lost, you just have to close that chapter in your life and move on to the next one, and the best thing is you get to write it.

Don’t be scared to try living out of your comfort zone, be brave and take chances. You don’t want 30 years to fly by and to regret all the chances you didn’t take. Have faith that things will work out and enjoy the journey. You might end up surprising yourself.

A few months ago I didn’t know how my life was going to pan out, and I still don’t. The mystery makes it that much more exciting, but I got off my backside and put working on my dreams into gear. I go travelling around Europe in 3 weeks and then I move to London with 3 wonderful friends to start a life down there and I couldn’t be happier, and for the first time in a long while I’m excited to see where the future takes me.

The best time for new beginnings, is now. 

 

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Mental Health with Made In Chelsea…

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

Recently we had the pleasure of interviewing Made In Chelsea girls Lauren Hutton and Natalie Joel. They talked about how important getting help really is and what it did for them, why they chose The Blue Tree Clinic, experience with eating disorders and the pressures of body image with social media. I hope you enjoy these little clips, and hopefully one of these topics speaks to you.

Here the girls talk about why they chose The Blue Tree Clinic and what sort of help we offer.

The girls talk about how therapy helped them in their personal lives and what they’ve learnt from it.

The last 2 videos are my personal favourites, the topics they touch on are so important and need to be talked about more. It’s so sad to see how much social media plays a part in the downward spiral of so many people, Lauren and Natalie talk about how its affected them and how they’ve learned to deal with it.

 

 

I’m sure everyone at some point has compared themselves to someone they’ve seen on social media, whether that’s someone they know or a celebrity. It’s so important to realise that you are so beautiful and worthy just the way you are. You don’t need to change anything about yourself for other people to love you. Self-confidence isn’t something you are going to stumble upon one day , it’s created. It’s built by strong men and women who fight voices in their head everyday which tell them they aren’t good enough. It’s created by people who empower one another and not by people who bring each other down. Be kind always. You never know what someone is going through.

One last thing, don’t be afraid to talk about your problems. Don’t ever feel that your problems don’t matter because they do. Doesn’t matter if you speak to a friend, parent or a psychiatrist, talking to someone will get you on the right path to recovery. I know talking to someone is a scary and daunting thought, but believe me it’s worth it, you won’t seem so alone.

Don’t let your demons win. You are and have always been stronger than them x

 

My Favourite Books…

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

I’ve always been a huge fan of reading, I find that it’s a great way to relax and for everything just to be still for a little while. In this post I wanted to show you guys some of my favourite books that I’ve read recently – these range from novels to poetry to autobiographies. I hope you take whatever inspiration you can and maybe go ahead and purchase one of them yourselves! You won’t be disappointed.

In no particular order 😉

  1. Reasons to Stay Alive – Matt Haig

I got reccomended this book by a friend, I had never heard of it before or heard of the author, now it has to be one of my favourite books ever. This book is a healer. The writer talks about his personal experience with depression from the very lows to coming out the other side and how even now he still faces struggles. I couldn’t put it down because I was so emotionally attached to his story, it made me want to cry, smile, laugh and scream. I think one of the most amazing things about this book is that he recognises depression and anxiety as an illness and not just some inconvenience. He see’s it from both sides, someone suffering and watching a loved one struggle. He’s not afraid to show how dark depression can actually be and I think that’s why it’s one of my favourite books, he’s brutally honest about his experience but also talks about just how amazing life can be when you finally start to heal.

2. Milk and Honey – Rupi Kaur

I am a huge fan of poetry, and this book is the reason why. I started following Rupi Kaur on Instagram as I came across a few poems she had written. When I started to fall more in love with what she was posting I had to buy her book. It’s beautiful. It may be a book full of poems but it tells a story of survival, loss, abuse and love. Each part of this book deals with a different pain, it definitely comforts a broken heart. I think every girl at some point will be able to relate to what she’s saying, and I think that’s why I fell in love with it, because at some point in my life I have felt some kind of pain which somehow she has made into beautiful poetry.

One of my favourite but simple little quotes 🙂

3. Angels Walking series – Karen Kingsbury

This isn’t just one book, it’s 3. Karen Kingsbury is my favourite authors. I’ve been a huge fan of her since I was a teenager when I first read one of her books when I was on holiday. From them on I have fallen in love with her work, I own a lot of her books so it was hard to narrow it down, but these 3 are the most recent. The first book is Angels Walking and I got it for Christmas 2015, and I think I read it in about a week. The thing with Karen Kingsbury is she has a way of connecting with her audience that you can’t physically put the book down. I’m a huge fan of the lovey dovey novels where there is always a happy ending and the two people in the story always end up together. I love crying when reading, you know it’s a good book when it makes you cry. Angels Walking is a beautifully crafted story of love and loss, you root for the main characters and find yourself in the story. Just like the next two books of the series ‘Chasing Sunsets’ and ‘Brush of Wings’ you experience more heartache, she focuses on new characters and intertwines all the stories together. She’s an incredible writer that has you hooked from the beginning. If you’re wanting a book that you can’t put down then I recommend Karen Kingsbury.

4. Broken Flowers – R.M Drake

R.M Drake is another author that I first started following on Instagram, just like Rupi Kaur he has a good way of putting what you’re feeling into words that are beyond beautiful. Not only is he an American author but he is also a self-acclaimed street artist. His work is seen across all the major cities in the US. In this book instead of focusing on longing and loving he writes more about friendship, memories and honesty. The way you can relate to his work is what makes it stand out, there is a poem in there for everyone. It brings comfort to you when you need it most in the smallest of passages. His work is simple but beautiful.

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5. Spaceship – R.M Drake

Another R.M Drake book, this is one of his older books and I love the way he describes it as ‘A collection of words for the misunderstood.’ I think that in itself makes you want to buy it. This book is less ‘wordy’, but there is art and design attached to the quotes. It’s very short and sweet and wouldn’t take you long at all to read it, but I would find myself re-reading certain quotes over and over again. Again, R.M Drake never fails to disappoint.

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5. Her – Pierre Alex Jeanty

Jeanty is a American author and poet, ‘Her’ is my most recent purchase after yet again falling in love with his quotes through Instagram. (Great place to find some amazing poets!) One of the most beautiful things about this book is that he writes about the beauty and strength of women, it is a beautiful expression of heartfelt emotion which he portrays perfectly. Every girl should pick up this book, you’ll come away from it feeling empowered and inspired, and I can’t stop reading it over and over again. It’s one of my favourite purchases and I’m so happy that I stumbled across his writing. – ‘If there is a lover in you, you will not get enough of Her.’

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6. Unfiltered – Lily Collins

Lastly is the only autobiography that I own, now I’m not a huge fan of autobiographies, they don’t interest me in the slightest, but this one isn’t like any other. It’s a personal story of Lily Collins where she talks about her struggles with anorexia, troubled relationships, her father, her love for baking, her struggles with body image and so much more. She reveals the most personal parts of herself and lays it completley bare for everyone to read. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful and I didn’t realise just how much I can actually relate to her. I’ve been a fan of Lily Collins for a while, I’ve always enjoyed whatever movie she has been in, but this book makes my love for her even greater. She isn’t afraid to talk about her lowest points in her relationships, how she struggled to love people with addictions, how she struggled with anorexia and bulimia from a young age and how now she has such a great love for food. She writes a heartbreaking letter to a dad, and makes you realise that loving yourself is the best thing you can do. I can’t recommend this book enough.

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I hope you’ve enjoyed this post and maybe you might even purchase one of these.

Lots of love,

R x

Be your own Valentine…

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

So Valentines Day is fast approaching and to lot of people that means celebrating it with the person you love. But to a lot of people it means spending it alone. With a bottle (or 2) of wine and the biggest box of chocolates you can find.

Don’t get me wrong it’s lovely when you have someone special and you spend the day with them, enjoying each others company, but why all the emphasis on this certain day each year? Shouldn’t we love and be loved all year round? To a lot of people spending Valentines Day by yourself can be quite a depressing thought, but before you resort to going on tinder and swiping right to the first human you see, why don’t you be your own Valentine.

SO, if this year you’re spending Valentines Day alone then I hope this makes you feel a little comfort 🙂

You don’t NEED someone else in your life to make you happy on Valentines Day or any other day of the year infact. You can do that perfectly by yourself. So before you start searching for someone to fall in love with you, start by falling in love with yourself.

Start embracing the way you look and love every part of yourself, appreciate your talents, be your own best friend and for once stop caring how other people see you. Its the way you see yourself that really matters. You’re so amazing and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Enjoy your own company, I know for a lot of people that can be hard – but take yourself out on dates. Don’t wish and wait for someone else to do it. Take yourself to that movie you’ve been wanting to see for ages, go to an art gallery or museum and take lots of photos, go to that cute little cafe on the corner and order whatever the hell you want. You know that love you’ve been giving out to everyone else? Well for once maybe use some of that on yourself.

It’s hard to stay on track and not get distracted. We forget that we are capable of being there for ourselves, we are so much stronger than we think we are and sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom for us to realise that. Though you may not feel like it right now, you as an individual are a whole person, you are so complete on your own.

The world out there is much bigger than just this one day of the year. Valentines Day does not define you as someone who isn’t capable of being loved. You are so much more than that. So, this year embrace being your own Valentine. Be happy being on your own and don’t wish it away. Be happy with just being you, you are pretty damn great just as you are x

(If you do find it hard this time of the year, then The Blue Tree Clinic is offering discounted counselling therapy, just quote Valentines using your contact form – The Blue Tree Clinic )

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My letter to you…

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

Dear you,

I’m sorry that right now, life isn’t going the way you planned, that every day seems a little worse than the last and nothing you could try to do can make it better. I’m sorry that you’re sad, that no one or nothing can numb the pain, not even for a second.

I want to say I know what it feels like because I’ve been there, that feeling of loneliness and unstoppable tears. I know what not being able to eat feels like and lying awake thinking ‘how the hell does this get any better?’ I know what it feels like to have no energy to do anything, no energy to smile or move, to just lie there, feeling nothing. I know what it feels like and in some way I hope that brings you some kind of comfort. But I know what I felt like isn’t the same as what you’re feeling or going through.

It’s impossible to control how you’re feeling, the way the darkness creeps in and just takes over your life bit by bit. I know you try to smile and try to put on this front, but you can only keep it up for so long before everything comes crashing down. Because this feeling wins. It always wins. Thats what you tell yourself anyway. Theres no hope.

I’m sorry that right now the dark is so familiar that strangely it feels like home. But please don’t get used to it, please don’t settle and believe you will never get out of this place. I know words sometimes don’t help and that nothing I can say will ever shift how you’re feeling right now but I hope you start to try, it will hurt like hell but please try.

I know you’ve been struggling for a while, and in some weird way I guess it never really does leave you. You do make it through to the light but you still have the past and the memories of what it was like. You still can remember the pain, but those demons don’t have that power anymore. You’re so much stronger than that.

I know that right now, it sucks. You have no direction, no hope, no nothing to wake up to and want to start the day. But I hope more than anything you just hang in there. Just hold on to the smallest piece of light, because it may not feel like it now but that small piece of light will soon become the sun and you’ll soon smile again.

You’ll start to laugh and hang out with friends. Breathing won’t seem like such a task and you’ll start to enjoy peoples company. You’ll look at different types of food and actually want to eat it, the smell of it doesn’t make you feel quite that sick anymore and you look forward to trying new things. You’ll wake up in the morning wanting to make yourself look nice, and when you look in the mirror you don’t flinch away. You smile. You see an unbelieveably strong person and you start to fall in love with yourself. You’ll start to appreciate the little things, like how blue the sky can actually be, or the sound of the waves when you walk along the beach. The laughter of couples that are sat in restaurants as you walk by and the way it can go from being so dry one minute to absolutely chucking it down with rain, and you’ll just stand there, taking it all in, because for the first time in a long time you can actually feel again. And it feels so good.

I know it may seem like a long way off, but I hope more than anything you just hang on to that image. Where you’ll smile again and it will be the most incredible moment.

One last thing, please talk to someone… please don’t hide away and keep it all to yourself. Yes you are incredibly strong but sometimes having people to talk to takes the weight off just a little bit. Don’t ever feel ashamed or embarrassed. You’re fighting something that sadly defeats a lot of people, but don’t let it defeat you. You are stronger than you know and having people to fight with you makes it seem a little easier.

Don’t ever feel like you’re alone. You’re not. Hang on to that. Hang on to hope.

You’ll soon breathe again, and I can’t wait for the day that you do. 

x

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A little inspiration for 2017…

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

Since 2016 is drawing to a close and we’ll soon be heading into 2017 (which is a scary thought!) I wanted to do a blog on some of my favourite quotes I’ve fallen in love with this past year, which hopefully will give you some kind of comfort, guidance and inspiration for 2017.

2016 has been a crap year for a lot of people, relationships have ended, people have lost their jobs, the loss of family members and friends, and it’s hard to pick yourself back up once these things have happened. I’ve come across a lot of inspirational quotes from some amazing authors and poets which put a lot of things into perspective. Whenever you’re feeling a little down I hope you read some of these and find a little comfort 🙂

 

  1. ‘And her heart was the best part, it would always calm the storm for those who were afraid of a little rain.’ – R. M. Drake

 

2. ‘Don’t think. It complicates things. Just feel, and if it feels like home then follow it’s path.’ – R. M. Drake

 

3. ‘Never again, in this life or the next will I give someone the power to destroy me. No longer will I be reckless with my heart. I won’t force a love that isn’t meant to be, nor will be afraid of being alone, I will fall in the deepest love humanly possible. Love of self.’ – R. M. Broderick

 

4.  ‘It is supposed to hurt, my child. That is why there is water in your eyes and blood in your veins. If we knew no pain, we wouldn’t have known truth, and truth, my child, is the soul of the universe.’ – Christopher Poindexter

 

5. ‘Fairytales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.’ – G. K. Chesterton

 

6. ‘Every door leads somewhere. Every chance is a blessing. Every song, every movie, and every book is another world. Every person you meet will change your direction. Every person you love will strengthen your connection. (The one to yourself.) Every moment you spend looking, something breathtaking will be found. And above all, every time you feel broken, someone will be there to help you heal. You have to hope for all of these and believe in them…so you can learn to live better. This is how you will find paradise.’ – R. M. Drake

 

7. ‘Either no one knows what it is like to be alone because no one truly is. Or everyone knows what it is like because everyone truly is. I believe we are all in this together – more than your tired heart will ever know.’ – Christopher Poindexter

 

8. ‘If you are broken and they have left you, do not question whether you were enough. The problem was you were so enough they were not able to carry it.’ – Rupi Kaur

 

9. ‘What’s the greatest lesson a woman should learn? that since day one, she’s already had everything she needs within herself. It’s the world that convinced her she did not.’ – Rupi Kaur

 

10. ‘Give yourself time to heal. It is okay to get your heart broken. It is okay to shatter and slip through the cracks a few times. For the world wants you to believe that loving yourself is an illness but none of that is true. Take the time to love yourself. Your body isn’t broken. Your body is marvellous and you are more than what they expect you to be. You are everything they could never understand: love and light mixed together and all things that blow with the wind.’ – R. M. Drake

 

11. ‘Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.’ – John Green

 

12. ‘If you don’t imagine, nothing ever happens at all.’ – John Green

 

13.  ‘You have to allow yourself to break apart. That’s the only way you’re going to know what you’re made of. Let yourself go. Let yourself fall. Let yourself drown. Let yourself shatter. And above all, let yourself get hurt. Do all these things and know…how you have to really know your demons to defeat them. Befriend them to destroy them. Love them and walk with them. That’s the only way you’re going to bloom.’ – R. M. Drake

 

14. ‘Choose everyday to forgive yourself. You are human, flawed, and most of all worthy of love.’ – Alison Malee

 

15. ‘Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.’ – Carl Bard

 

Don’t let the thought of going into 2017 scare you, let it excite you. Get ready to start a new year being who you’ve always wanted to be, go and do things you’ve always wanted to do and believe that anything is possible.

Just know that better days are coming. x

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Depression is a disease. Not a choice.

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

This post is probably one of the most honest things I’ve ever written. 

Aching. Tired. Alone. Scared. Exhausted. Miserable. Sad. 

You feel not good enough. You start to doubt yourself in every aspect of your life. You think you are not loved. You think you have no one. You start to constantly think about rock bottom, that this place you’re in now there is no coming back from. No one can hear you cry or scream, there wouldn’t be any point.

You believe that this is what life will be like now, its awful, horrific, the worst pain you’ve felt. But in some weird and twisted way you kind of get used to it, you get used to feeling not enough, you get used to feeling alone. You remember when you used to see the sun shine and how it made you smile, now it doesn’t make you feel anything anymore. But thats normal now. That’s how it will be from now on.

You try to think of when you were happier, when every day was filled with the sound of your own laughter, and how you loved going out with friends, but just as quickly as that memory comes it goes. This dark cloud won’t leave you, it enjoys your sadness, it feeds off your pain, there is no way you will ever win this demon.

Your friends call, they ask if you’re okay, but you don’t know how to respond. It feels like they are too far away to help you. They bring you things : food, water, company. Things that you needed so much in your old life, but now these things don’t matter anymore, they don’t really seem that necessary. That’s not your life anymore, all your wants and needs are blurred and nothing is clear. You just lie there. Awake. Unable to sleep.

Depression wants you to suffer. It wants you to feel that there is no hope, no light, no nothing. That life is just one big black hole. After a while the suffering starts to become familiar. You get used to crying every morning and every night. You get used to not sleeping or eating. You have no energy, you can’t smile, talk, laugh. You used to see bright colours, but now all you see is grey. No smiling, no laughing, no nothing.

People tell you to ‘just cheer up‘ – believe me, I would’ve loved more than anything to of been able to ‘just cheer up‘ or to ‘just be happy‘ again. So you start to avoid people – friends and family. You see strangers on the street – couples holding hands, families, young children, groups of friends. You don’t want to see them, you don’t want to see other people being happy when thats the one thing that you can’t be.

You feel guilty and ashamed to ask for help. No one would help you anyway, depression is just a silly word. So you put it off, you don’t ask for help and you keep living each day just as miserable as the last. But the thing is, depression isn’t ‘just a silly word‘. It’s not something to be ashamed of, it lies and tells you false truths. But my god depression is powerful. Its unpredictable and so so real.

The stigma behind depression keeps a lot of it’s issues and problems in the dark. It’s not easy to talk about, it’s very hard to grasp onto. I came across this really interesting article by Matt Haig – he goes on to say how suicide is now the leading cause of death in men under 50. With that statistic so plain and clear to see, how is depression not being talked about more, not being showed the attention it needs. Depression is a killer, it shouldn’t take a death for people to realise that.

There is life after depression, it may not seem like it at the time, but one day you will go on to live again. Hang on to that.

‘Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.’

x

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Life after Graduation. Where do we go from here?

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

Hey guys,

Sorry it’s been so long since I last posted! I got really inspired to write this post earlier this week, on monday I graduated from university! WAAHHEEEYYYY!

I can’t quite believe that 3 years has gone just like that, I’m so happy to have finally graduated but also really sad at the same time. That was my life for 3 years and now its over. Now I’ve graduated I have to officially be an adult (which is slightly daunting)

I’ve put together a few pictures from graduation  –

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For lots of people life after graduation is scary, you have to jump into the real world and figure out what you want to do. Some people have already figured out where they want to go, and I’m looking at myself thinking ‘I really have no clue.’

It’s not that I don’t know what to do exactly, it’s more of ‘how can I get there?’ I have goals and dreams of what I want to achieve out of life but trying to find the right path to lead me there is tricky. I started uni with my whole career planned out, by the end of it my career goals had completely changed, and thats okay to change what you want to do, just because you once wanted to do something else and now you want to try something different, thats pretty amazing. You’ve been figuring out what you want to do, and at least you know for sure that its something you really want!

Fear of the unknown is natural, for most of our lives we’ve been on a schedule with school, college, uni and all the rest of it. But now, we are out in the world with no teachers telling us what to do or how to get there. For the most part we have to figure it out by ourselves, and that’s a scary thought, it’s okay to be afraid. But don’t let that fear stop you from fulfilling what you want to get out of life. Don’t let it make you unmotivated and stop you from even trying, don’t let it stop you from taking risks.

‘The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

The things is, the sun will come up tomorrow just like it always has done, and just like it always will (unless you live in Manchester than most likely it will be rain) but you are given 2 choices at the beginning of each day…you either live your life or you don’t. You either try or you don’t. And my god I really hope you choose to try, I hope you breathe in every moment and take opportunities that scare you. I hope you laugh every day and choose to love people so deeply. I hope you stand up for what you believe in and choose to have a forgiving heart, because the truth of the matter is, whatever comes next whether it’s that dream job you’ve been hoping to land or you move in to your own place, this world will continue to go on. The sun will continue to rise and set, and life will continue to surprise you.

And what you make of it is entirely up to you. 

 

Lots of Love,

R x

I Choose Forgiveness…

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

I’ve always been a huge believer in forgiveness, that forgiving someone heals you, helps you stand up a little stronger than before, helps you be someone better. It helps you move on from people that have wronged you, and not live with a bitter heart.

 

‘Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart.’

Forgiveness is a second chance, it’s a chance to not make the same mistakes. I’ve learnt through this past year that people make mistakes, painful mistakes which leave you broken all over the floor, too broken to pick yourself up, too broken to even think about forgiving them.

But I found that holding a grudge against someone made me angry, made my whole body ache, I could see it turning me into a cold heartless person that would flip out on people for no reason, I started to become nasty towards people that were only trying to help me. I thought forgiving someone for the unforgiveable made you weak, but infact its one of the strongest things you can do.

Forgiveness gave me healing, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, not because we are bad people, but because we are human. What good would holding a grudge do? What good would it do if I stayed a bitter angry person? So I learnt to forgive. When you forgive someone, in a weird way you kind of feel set free, I had this image in my head that if I didn’t forgive and I held a grudge, they would feel so bad that eventually they would come running back and say sorry. But that didn’t happen. But I learnt in time that’s not the right or healthy way to go about things, forgiveness grants you the opportunity to let go. To let go of whoever has hurt you, or whatever pain you’ve felt, to be set free from whatever demons keep dragging you back. It’s a beautiful thing to forgive because you’re giving yourself a chance to be free again, to live.

I’ve forgiven people that I guess didn’t deserve it, that never asked for it, never made the effort to make an awful situation a little brighter, but that’s okay, because I think now that everyone deserves forgiveness, because where would we be without it? Try and not stay angry forever, it won’t do you any good, and you’ll never give yourself a chance to be happy again.

Remember, pain is temporary… I know that now, it doesn’t last, no matter how painful it seems at the time it soon fades and with time you start seeing that your days can once again be bright, and that is such a beautiful thing. Forgiveness taught me that I am stronger than the hell I went through.

I chose forgiveness then and I choose it now. Why hold on to something that is hurting you longer than it should? Forgive and then walk away. Forgive them and set yourself free, you’re not doing it for them, you are doing it for you.

Forgive when your heart has been broken into a million pieces, you’ll soon start to piece them back together. Forgive when people don’t treat you the way they should, forgive when the one you fell in love with betrays you. Forgive them. It may take all the strength and energy you have left but believe me, it’s worth it. You may think forgiving someone means they have won, but it isn’t a game. So forgive them and move on.

Once you do you’ll start to heal, you’ll start to grow back your wings that were once damaged on the floor, you’ll start to smile and you’ll start to believe in happiness again.

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Anyway until next time…

Lots of Love,

R x

 

Now I’m a Warrior.

Ruth IbbotsonLeave a comment

Hello everyone,

I hope everyone has had a great week and a lovely weekend so far.

So…I’m really nervous about doing this blog post but I just felt like I needed to write everything down. I think this is probably the most personal blog post I’ve ever written. So here goes…

Today hasn’t been the best day, I’ve found myself crying at points throughout the day and couldn’t really seem to switch it off. Some days I get like this, and that’s because I’ve been through an awful lot in my 23 years of being on this earth, that sometimes it just gets a bit to much for me.

Today was one of those days.

Today I realised that humans break easily. I don’t know why I’ve just realised it today. I thought I was the only one that kept breaking and trying to fix myself. Turns out I’m not.

I’ve been broken before, I’m not talking about a broken bone or anything like that, I was broken as a person and my heart was completely shattered all over the floor, that even now I’m still trying to piece back together. I lost myself as a person, I didn’t know who I was anymore, I would wake up every morning and cry, wander around aimlessly not really knowing what I was doing, I didn’t eat. I think the most I had in a day was a packet of crisps and an apple, so obviously that didn’t go down well as I lost about 2 stone in the space of 2 months. But I had no appetite, I was that broken that even eating seemed pointless.

I’ve been hurt before, whether that being a fall out with a friend or an argument with somebody, and it gets you a little upset. You have a cry and then you move on. You get over it. This time though I got the feeling this wasn’t something I just had to ‘get over.’ I had to learn from it and understand it and eventually the process of moving on will come. I couldn’t just click my fingers and suddenly everything was ok again (believe me, if I could do that I would) but you can’t. I had to take time and that was the thing that sucked most about it all. Time.

It felt like forever. Each day seemed harder and harder, and the days just kept dragging. I just wanted to get out of Manchester and go home, but then when I went home I just wanted to be in Manchester. I wasn’t happy wherever I was going. Weeks passed and nothing had changed, I was still this broken mess that wasn’t getting any better. I had no idea what to do, I didn’t want to do anything but wanted to do something. If that makes any sense. Friends would try to cheer me up or take me places but I just wanted to be on my own and cry. I remember actually looking forward to the evening so I could just cry on my own in my room because I needed to let it out, it actually hurt keeping it in all day.

My mind was just constantly playing tricks on me, I was constantly trying to fight it but through those months it just kept winning. I kept thinking ‘how will I ever be okay again?’ I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, I couldn’t even see a tunnel, I was just in darkness. I was constantly on edge and scared of everything. There was no hope, I couldn’t find any, it got to a point where I just thought ‘Right, this is it. I’m done.’

I remember it was mid November, and it was freezing outside and raining. (Obviously, it is manchester) and I had just woken up from my 4 hours of sleep, which was what I was getting each night. I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t, my brain wouldn’t let me. I wasn’t looking forward to the day as usual, each day I was just waiting around to see what kind of torture today would bring. I remember heading off into my lecture in the afternoon, but had to leave early because even sitting down in a room full of people with everything going on just flipped me over the edge. I think I was in that lecture for about 10 minutes before I left. Even 10 minutes was too hard for me. I remember heading down to Bristol after that lecture to stay with a friend, for the first time in about 3 months I was actually looking forward to going somewhere. It was only a small excitement, tiny in fact. But it was something. That weekend was the first weekend in 3 months I laughed. I don’t mean giggled or a really crap fake laugh. I mean crying from laughter. Which was amazing because every other time I cried I was crying because I was sad.

That weekend I’ll always remember, the weather was awful and I got soaked through on each day, but I laughed. I laughed properly. I even ate a full meal and actually managed to stomach it. We didn’t do a ridiculous amount on that weekend but that weekend was a turning point, and it was only when I was walking around Bristol on the evening with all the lights and my friend by my side that I actually thought ‘I’m gonna be okay.’

From then on, I’ve just kept getting better and better. Some days, like today are not so great, but I have to deal with it and grow with it. I know tomorrow will be better. I started eating again, I started going out and actually having a good time, I started getting a good nights sleep, I started to enjoy peoples company and not constantly wish to be alone. I started to be kind to myself and love myself. I started to live again.

Looking back on what happened to me is hard, but it’s a story that I am so proud of. I’m never going to be ashamed of what I went through and neither should you. Whatever that is.

I’ve learnt that we all broken. We are all trying to fill in the cracks. We are all trying to face life the best way we can. Instead of constantly being broken on the floor, I decided I’m going to take my broken pieces and make them beautiful.

And that’s what I will continue to do.

Anyway until next time…

Lots of Love,

R x

warrior