My letter to you…

Dear you,

I’m sorry that right now, life isn’t going the way you planned, that every day seems a little worse than the last and nothing you could try to do can make it better. I’m sorry that you’re sad, that no one or nothing can numb the pain, not even for a second.

I want to say I know what it feels like because I’ve been there, that feeling of loneliness and unstoppable tears. I know what not being able to eat feels like and lying awake thinking ‘how the hell does this get any better?’ I know what it feels like to have no energy to do anything, no energy to smile or move, to just lie there, feeling nothing. I know what it feels like and in some way I hope that brings you some kind of comfort. But I know what I felt like isn’t the same as what you’re feeling or going through.

It’s impossible to control how you’re feeling, the way the darkness creeps in and just takes over your life bit by bit. I know you try to smile and try to put on this front, but you can only keep it up for so long before everything comes crashing down. Because this feeling wins. It always wins. Thats what you tell yourself anyway. Theres no hope.

I’m sorry that right now the dark is so familiar that strangely it feels like home. But please don’t get used to it, please don’t settle and believe you will never get out of this place. I know words sometimes don’t help and that nothing I can say will ever shift how you’re feeling right now but I hope you start to try, it will hurt like hell but please try.

I know you’ve been struggling for a while, and in some weird way I guess it never really does leave you. You do make it through to the light but you still have the past and the memories of what it was like. You still can remember the pain, but those demons don’t have that power anymore. You’re so much stronger than that.

I know that right now, it sucks. You have no direction, no hope, no nothing to wake up to and want to start the day. But I hope more than anything you just hang in there. Just hold on to the smallest piece of light, because it may not feel like it now but that small piece of light will soon become the sun and you’ll soon smile again.

You’ll start to laugh and hang out with friends. Breathing won’t seem like such a task and you’ll start to enjoy peoples company. You’ll look at different types of food and actually want to eat it, the smell of it doesn’t make you feel quite that sick anymore and you look forward to trying new things. You’ll wake up in the morning wanting to make yourself look nice, and when you look in the mirror you don’t flinch away. You smile. You see an unbelieveably strong person and you start to fall in love with yourself. You’ll start to appreciate the little things, like how blue the sky can actually be, or the sound of the waves when you walk along the beach. The laughter of couples that are sat in restaurants as you walk by and the way it can go from being so dry one minute to absolutely chucking it down with rain, and you’ll just stand there, taking it all in, because for the first time in a long time you can actually feel again. And it feels so good.

I know it may seem like a long way off, but I hope more than anything you just hang on to that image. Where you’ll smile again and it will be the most incredible moment.

One last thing, please talk to someone… please don’t hide away and keep it all to yourself. Yes you are incredibly strong but sometimes having people to talk to takes the weight off just a little bit. Don’t ever feel ashamed or embarrassed. You’re fighting something that sadly defeats a lot of people, but don’t let it defeat you. You are stronger than you know and having people to fight with you makes it seem a little easier.

Don’t ever feel like you’re alone. You’re not. Hang on to that. Hang on to hope.

You’ll soon breathe again, and I can’t wait for the day that you do. 

x

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Recovery is beautiful..

Hello everyone!

I hope you’ve all had a great weekend and are ready for the week ahead!

Since my post ‘Finding happiness in you’ went down so well (Thanks to all the people who messaged, emailed and text me to say how much they loved it) I thought I would write another one. I’ve had this idea for a long time but I didn’t know how to write it, I’m still not completely sure but I think it’s such an important topic to talk about.

Recovering from something whether that being an eating disorder or depression is something a lot of people are too afraid to talk about. I completely understand why people are, because when you talk about something so personal you are automatically making yourself more vulnerable to everyone. Whether you’re male or female you should never be ashamed about your recovery or what you went/or are going through.

Recovery is a beautiful thing. It shows just show strong you really are, and that should be celebrated.

Mental health is real. Battling with your own mind is scary. It’s not something that can be turned off like that, It’s a real struggle that people face every day. One of the saddest things is that in a lot of people you can’t tell whether they are struggling, and knowing that breaks my heart. Underneath all the smiles and the laughs is a person who is constantly trying to find a reason to carry on the day. That’s something that shouldn’t be ignored. Just because you can’t see the pain it doesn’t mean that it’s not there. To all the people feeling like this or going through something similar, I just have to say one thing – You are not alone.

Whatever demons you’re struggling with you are not alone. When I was going through hard times I was constantly told I wasn’t alone, at the time I never believed it because I got myself into such a state that I thought I had no one. But as the months went on and I started to heal, I realised I had never been alone through anything, and that was such a wonderful feeling. I look back now and feel so blessed that I had such amazing friends and family that never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself.

Some days are worse than others, but thats okay, you’re allowed to have bad days. Don’t feel like you have to put a brave face on to the world every day. I think a lot of people don’t realise how strong they actually are.

My road to recovery is still on going, but it’s a beautiful thing to witness. I look back to 6 months ago and I’m not in that place anymore. How amazing is that?! I wake up every morning with a reason to smile, life is so beautiful and you can do whatever you want with it. Have faith in yourself that you can get through whatever you’re going through. It will hurt, and it will be hard, recovery isn’t the easiest thing to do. But you’ll soon look back and weeks will have gone by and you’ll realise you haven’t cried, or you haven’t been fighting with your own mind, or you haven’t self harmed – and that may seem like a small step, but that’s a step in the right direction.

Relapsing will sometimes happen during recovery. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You just have to get back up and keep trying, and believe me as the days go on everything will become just a little easier – You matter, don’t ever let anyone else tell you different.

Embrace your recovery, be proud at the fact that you’ve managed to get out of bed in the morning even when you really didn’t feel like it. Be proud at the fact that you managed to go the whole day without crying. Don’t be ashamed of your story. I’m not saying that recovery is easy but it is worth it. Watch how you grow and change as a person, along the way you’ll learn how to love yourself again. Every day is a constant battle but keep fighting. You are all wonderful warriors and deserve all the happiness in the world.

Like I said, I’m not really sure how well I wrote everything. I just kind of sat down and typed.

‘Be faithful in the small things, because it is in them that your strength lies.’ – Mother Teresa

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post.

Lots of Love,

R x
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